She

 

"Michael!" she called out across the room. "It's no use Michael, I've changed. I'm not coming back".

He stared at her puzzled, yet he had an understanding look on his face.

She knew it was the right thing to do. There was no point in lying to herself anymore. It was hard, but she had to face herself.

 

She had moved in with Michael about six months into their relationship, and they had been together for three years. Her feelings for him were often on and off. She knew that she was a moody person, she had what she would self-diagnose as "low moods" at least once every month, and this made her see everything in a very negative light. However, she slowly started to come to terms with the realization that the changing way she thought about Michael and even looked at him was not just a result of the so-called "low moods". She started to notice that he did not make her dream. She wasn't inspired by him, and he didn't try to inspire her. She started to look for the clues during their time together. Clues that she could later use to tell herself and her friends "that's when I should have known".

 

She knew she wasn't perfect. She wasn't easy, but then again, what girl is easy. Human beings are complex already as it is. It's not because she is a girl or because he is a boy that makes one or the other less or more complicated. But she knew, she knew she had some things to work on. She knew she couldn't always blame it on her past and on her childhood, although she did, she was now resolved to work on it. She had to make a change.

 

She understood where all her defects came from. She also understood how wrong she could act and react, and that made her very self-aware. That also made her too smart and too mature for most people her age. She had a hard time making friends, and at the same time, she didn't. The difficulty was in making mutually meaningful friendships. Seeing a psychologist for the last two years helped her to understand herself and put all of her difficulties into words. But then again, her psychologist feel asleep for at least ten minutes during every session. She learned from him that she was somewhat broken, she had many pieces to put back, and many pieces to throw away. She knew all that, and she knew that she had dreams. She had hopes, and she wanted to be happy. Michael wasn't part of that equation, and after three years she decided never to turn back.

 

She was easily submissive. She easily forgot about herself to let others take place. She wanted for other to feel better than she did. She didn't matter, not for herself; and she believed, not for others either. Her submissiveness left her frustrated, she was walked on by everybody. Her friends, her boyfriends, her family, her work colleagues. Everybody took from her and barely gave back. At least not when she needed it most, and she realized that's what exhausted her the most. She made sure to give the people that she cared about in her life everything she was capable of giving them. She was very good at reading people, and she had a gift to predict what they needed. Nobody else could do that for her, at least no one that she had met yet.

 

She met Camille, Florence, Maude, and Rodrigo in College. They were inseparable, but they didn't always like each other. She didn't know herself too well then. Even after all those awful and awkward and very blurry years in high school. As an example, she didn't know the name of her father yet. Her mother had raised her and her older brother on her own. Her mother was an absent workaholic and she never really had a relationship with her brother. They had a large age difference, and never frequented each other outside of the house. Even there they barely saw each other. You could say she had developed very poor social skills. She had been a very awkward young girl, with friends, on and off, but without ever knowing where she fit. She carried a very large burden on her shoulders. She had a bag that was too heavy for her but she didn't know it yet. That's why she probably felt so lonely and so sad and so misunderstood most of her life. And this is what Michael reminded her of. This is what he had brought her back to. Old patterns. This was not why she had fought so hard. She would not allow for her life to result in stagnation, and she started to feel that was the direction it was taking. No way! Never again.